Does Growth Require Suffering? My Long Battle with This Question

For years, I resisted the idea that suffering was necessary for transformation. It felt absurd to me, even offensive. Why should pain be the gateway to wisdom? Why should hardship be the price of self-discovery?

This rejection of suffering wasn’t just intellectual—it was visceral. The idea that Jesus had to be crucified to “save” us, that people needed to hit rock bottom before they could rise, that only through darkness could light be found—none of it made sense. Every time I heard stories of people enduring despair before finding themselves, I thought, This is pointless. Why should suffering be the path?

I clung to the belief that things should be easy. That growth should come through joy, through love, through effortless expansion. And yet… life had other plans.

The Reality of My Own Hardships

Through my relationship with John, I faced countless obstacles. Some days, I saw no exit. Some days, I fought to maintain harmony, only to realize that I was sacrificing my own inner peace. I struggled with boundaries, with self-worth, with the crushing weight of circumstances I felt powerless to change. And yet… looking back now, I see it differently.

It wasn’t the suffering itself that transformed me—it was my choice to use it as a catalyst.

I didn’t just endure my struggles. I examined them. I confronted my own self-judgment, my high expectations, my fear of choosing for myself. I saw where I was bending over backward for harmony, all while neglecting my own well-being. I saw where I had integrity for others but not for myself. I realized that I wasn’t just reacting to John—I was reacting to a version of myself that hadn’t yet fully stepped into her power.

Obstacle as the Way Forward

Here’s the thing: I still don’t believe suffering is required for growth. I don’t think we need to be crushed to evolve. But I now understand that when hardship comes, it holds an opportunity—a doorway to self-awareness, to choice, to transformation.

Maybe suffering isn’t a requirement, but it is often a trigger—a mirror that forces us to see the parts of ourselves we’ve been avoiding. The obstacle itself isn’t the answer—the way we face it is.

So now, I sit with a new question: If transformation doesn’t have to come through suffering, how else can I invite it in?

Because if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: I no longer need suffering to force me to grow. I can choose growth—intentionally, powerfully, and on my own terms.

I haven’t mastered this yet but it is what I need to do as a logical choice.

Blessings

Frannie